mother's day off

Futile Dreams of A Mom’s Day Off

I thought about writing 10 Amazing Mom Hacks For Cleaning, but…that’s not fun. Maybe tomorrow.

What is fun is imagining a mom’s day off where the only thing that matters is what I want. Dream along with me. Think of these like Harry Potter titles. Mom’s Day Off And The __________.

Mom’s Day Off – A Sleep Venture

It starts asleep, like all good things. The type of sleep you had before you were a mom, or a wife, or a business owner, or had a single responsibility. No matter how close to noon it is, the room stays dark. At some point, after sleeping in a giant pillow mountain that smells like home and the scent of the person whom you love and share your bed with, your body naturally decides it is ready to wake up. And nothing hurts.  Your breath tastes a little bit like a caramel macchiato. And you notice that you have a caffeine IV because in fantasy land of a mom’s day off caffeine and sleep do go together. As you gracefully stumble from your slumber, no one asks you if you’re alive or comments on how much sleep you needed before your body just permanently shut down and sent your soul off into the fifth dimension.

Mom’s Day Off  And The Tale of Boundless Energy

You reach  for your phone, and it has 100% battery life. And it stays that way all day. And if your energy dwindles at all, you can simply touch your phone and it will top you off.

Mom’s Day Off  And The Delight of Endless Free Food That You Don’t Have To Make

You sit at your dining room table. You’re ravenously hungry. So you look over the menu options. You press a button in the table and french toast magically appears through some magical robot in the table that just gets you.  The french toast has some kind of white, sweet, melty delicious sauce on it. You don’t even know what it is. All you know is that it is calorie free while also being completely nutritious. At any time you can add orange juice or bacon and there is no up-charge.

Mom’s Day Off and The Kids Are Happy Team Players

Your kids are perfectly groomed and behaving. They say “Yes, ma’am.” They don’t walk into the room every five minutes and say, “What’s a chicken’s favorite dress?” In fact, their main noticeable features are their gorgeousness (they did come from you, after all), and their ability to bring you a bottle of water from the fridge. They’re, like,  almost all the way self-sufficient. When you willingly and lovingly try to spend time with them, it all goes according to plan. All of your winning creative ideas actually work out, and your arts & crafts end up on Pinterest. And nobody whines. It’s pretty much the greatest day ever.

Mom’s Day Off  And Your Investment Pays Off

Speaking of crafts, Hobby Lobby calls and lets you know that you’ve bought so much of their shit that you now just completely own the store. And you can finally buy the distressed oxide inks for stamping that you’ve been eyeing and trying to budget. Because $6 each for an ink pad is kind of ridiculous. Oh, and they’re going to throw in a mid-range Sizzix for all of your die cutting needs. #levelup

Mom’s Day Off  Where The Show Goes On, and Doesn’t Blow Up

Your business can survive one day without you, and does. Your instagram followers sky-rocket because people think you’re groovy. All of your e-mails pertain to, “You’ve Got Money.” or “I Wrote You A Stellar Review.”

Mom’s Day Off  With Nicholas Sparks

Free in-home massages are completely a thing. If you can find time for that. Because you’re too busy reading a book. The book is like Nicholas Sparks or something. Totally pointless besides being a good way to cry and release pent up emotions. The book in no way relates to titles like, “Clean Your Entire House in 15 Minutes”, “How To Be A Magical Unicorn When You Feel Like Ass”, or “Surviving Sleep Deprivation: A Guide For Women Who Can Totally Do It All”.

Mom’s Day Off With Worthwhile Bath Bombs

Every room has a bath tub. When you get in it, your boobs and knees can both be covered by water. And you can do like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman and listen to music with headphones without electrocuting yourself. And if you do electrocute yourself, the worst thing that happens is you lose twenty pounds and look ten years younger. The water is eternally exactly the right temperature. And bath bombs actually have some longevity to their scent instead of just turning your legs mermaid green.

Mom’s Day Off Is Spent With Cake

Birthday cake is a healthy snack. That doesn’t give you rolls or diabetes. There’s a never ending supply. The cake doesn’t go stale. The icing doesn’t get all melty.

Mom’s Day Off And Shonda Rhimes Doesn’t Wring Us Emotionally

You catch up on all your favorite shows. While eating cake, because, duh. And even though you’ve been binge watching for 27 hours, no time has passed at all. And you feel great. You accept that Shonda Rhimes is the most woke woman ever while simultaneously NOT crying your eyes out.

Mom’s Day Off And Your Extended Family Finally Gets It

Someone calls you and asks you how you are. Which is weird…because people usually only call when they want something. And they actually listen to how you are without expecting something in return this time.

Mom’s Day Off And All The Chaos Is Tamed

While you were practicing to be Julia Roberts, and you have the slight perfect curl of the hair to prove it, someone came in and cleaned your house top to bottom. And it looks like Joanna Gaines and every professional organizer on TLC came in to feng shui your shit and increase your vibe. And it’s glorious.

Mom’s Day Off, And She’s Feelin’ Kinda Spicy

And your partner, who also isn’t tired, fed up, or suffering from tired head, has enjoyed a day off as well. So the perfect ending to futile dreams of a mother’s day off is to curl up together perfectly showered and in a clean bed to make out, or better.


What does your ideal day off look like? Tell me in the comments.




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